He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
