My liver just broke up with me...
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
