so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
