i need an iv and a liver transplant
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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