What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
