i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
