my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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