textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
