1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
