I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
