I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
