I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
