Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
