Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
