oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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