I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
