Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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