I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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