Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
