I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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