He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
