I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
