cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
