If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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