will power is for people who don't want to get laid
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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