you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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