Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
