The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
