i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
