I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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