help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
