There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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