You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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