He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
