my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
