Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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