She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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