Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
