Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
