is your mom at the bar?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
