I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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