Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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