Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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