Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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