speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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