My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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