Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
