insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
