I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
