i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
