i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
