every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
