Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
