i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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