Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
