Someone shit on the floor
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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