you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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